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Das ist so vetch!

February 27th, 2010

No, side effects I haven’t seen Inglorious Basterds. I won’t until someone explain to me why Basterds is spelled wrong.

No, I don’t plan to start posting again as regularly, though I wish I could.

No, I doubt anyone is reading this.

But this was too perfect to pass up.



June 19th, 2009


No, rx not that Voyager!! :)

I’ve been watching “Now, more about Voyager” and commenting on my own damn facebook status like a moron, so I’ll just jot my thoughts down here instead.

[from Facebook]

5:10 – i’m already amazed by 1) those damn eyebrows and 2) the word secretiveness (which she pronounces like she’s secreting something….)

11:40 – and I’m sorry, but in this flashback scene the seaman is wearing SO much more makeup than she is…..cute, but frightening

23:24 – lipstick: check! eyebrows: check! cute dress and sufficiently pouty bosoms: check!

38:00 – oh, just knitting on the deck? I’m surprised she didn’t pack her damn loom.

[this is when i gave up and came here]

40:12 – could we spare more than one and a half goddamn seconds on the gigantic statue of christ? THE iconic landmark of rio?

41:33 – now i want the movie to become romancing the stone. i think it would work!

43:06 – oh, foreigners! you’re so loud and gesticulative! and how do you spell “Giuseppe” in Portuguese? maybe he LEARN EENGLISH FROMABUUK

47:40 – ::gasp:: MONTAGE!

49:00 – say what you will, but i appreciate the possibly unintentional irony of bringing up immortality after you’ve lit two cigarettes…

50:45 – thumb on her chin, which means kiss in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….


52:03 – NO!!!! how you kiss her not once, now twice, but THREE TIMES through her veil? that’s not romantic, that’s just weird…..maybe because it sounds like her name?

53:10 – “what am I here for?” that’s what we’re all wondering, honey….

56:10 – ah, yes, the chatty nurse/servant character actress…always nice to see she’s getting work

58:20 – AHHH HAT HAIR!! and……magically fixed

1:00:37 – she wants the damn eyebrows back?! she must be evil…..

1:06-30 – “for as long as I can remember that fire has never been lit” oh, the innuendo

1:18:00 – OK the piano was playing “Night and Day” but what music is this that the orchestra is playing? It’s so familiar!!…..

1:20:00 – I understand the scene at the railway station is obligatory, but for the first time they’re not lighting her well. i only say this because suddenly her eyes look HUGE

1:24:10 – remind me again what they mean by “make love” because it’s the second time she’s said it and I’m really confused…..

1:26:13 – holy shit will this music ever STOP???? or at least move on to a different theme group, it’s crazy. on the other hand i like the compromise dress – bad print, good cut….

1:28:00 – YES YELLING! oh, and she’s dead.

1:29:35 – who’s Jerry? the bellhop? oh it must be the cute guy with the cloyingly familiar daughter

1:32:05 – if you’re twelve i’m eighteen

1:33:07 – we’re supposed to know that Christine = Tina, right? they’ve given us that much credit….

1:39:00 – sorry it got really believable and i got completely distracted.

1:45:45 – ANOTHER MONTAGE? with the added drudgery of the odometer running….blech. it’s almost over, right?

THE END – it really flew by, actually – what happened? denouement? a whole other movie – a much more pedantic one – happened between the mother’s death and the end. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t the tiniest bit underwhelmed. I’m glad the ending was ambiguous, though….I would have thrown up in my mouth if we’d seen rice spurt across the blurry wedding scene as the final credits rolled.

p. s. this was the runner-up LOL.

More youtube madness

June 7th, 2009


We’re not going to discuss how long it’s been since fetch has happened.

We’re just not.

We will, breast however, ampoule now partake of literally an entire weekend’s worth of work, distilling my disparate loves into a hopefully humorous little video.

First, though, the original:
(THIS IS NOT MINE, but the work of a genius)

And if you’re unsure of its genius, here’s a comparison to the original.

Now ::drumroll please:: here is my contribution to this mini-meme.
(THIS is mine…..for what it’s worth)

If it sounds like Dolly Parton is covering the song for some reason, it’s because YouTube blocked the audio of the original, so I used a program to transpose it up a half-step. :)

Here’s a comparison, courtesy of The Enabler:

Thanks for watching! I’m going to bed now….

Is this my first star wars post?

January 22nd, 2009

I found a lot of neat stuff today, apoplexy but I can’t resist posting this for some reason:

Besides being a funny idea, it’s well-executed and the correspondence is fun to read. My own humble offerings follow (you’ll have to imagine the actual positions yourself):
- Close the Blast Doors
- The One-Armed “That’s Impossible”
- Approaching the Planet Yavin
- Frozen in Carbonite
- Letting the Wookiee Win
- The All-Powerful Sarlaac
- Bright Center to the Universe
- The Necessary Tom-Tom
- Judge Me By My Size
- Base on the Endor Moon
- Small Mining Operation
- Trouble With Your Droid
- Remnants of the Old Republic
- First Step into a Larger World
- Stabilize Your Rear Deflectors
- Stuck-Up Half-Witted Scruffy-Looking Nerf-Herder
- The Reverse Power Flux Coupling
- Apparent Lack of Progress
- Holding Section MV7
and of course:
- Open the Blast Doors

I sadly did these off the top of my head, although I did spell-check Wookiee and Sarlaac. Also notice that I didn’t even pretend to know about Episodes I-III…..

Don’t ask why I found this on Google Maps..

January 15th, 2009


I made my first “totally looks like!”

I promised I wouldn’t get bogged down in silly tropes

January 11th, 2009

But this Cute Overload post caught my eye:

It’s cute enough that this cat wandered into Germany’s most famous TV weatherman’s forecast, practitioner but it’s really cute that he just scoops it up and continues. (at the end he even remarks on the wintry weather saying something like “hopefully cats will have thick skins”) I already considered posting it, but what clinched it was I saw that one of the cities listed on the temperature map was Kaiserslautern! So, yet another shout-out to those that made me so popular there weeks ago! (even among search bots!) come back, meine Deutsche Freunde! Bitte?

Oh Say, Can You…NEVER SEE THIS???

January 10th, 2009

(not the best lolcat ever, infection but I’m a bit rusty. Welcome back by the way, help and happy new year!)

Oh, Netflix. Have I told you lately that I love you? Between your more traditional DVD-rental service and the ability to watch various things on your website, you (with a little help from Hulu) have replaced my need for TV. I mean, all twelve seasons of Murder, She Wrote (although sadly no The Law & Harry McGraw…)? Say no more!

Most of what’s available to watch instantly is fairly obscure….a LOT of B-movies and TV shows I vaguely remember staying away from (although I wish they had Herman’s Head – it gets a bad rap but I liked it when I was six….) but not until The Enabler’s discovery of the children’s section of the site’s offerings did I actually have cause to fear.

Because who remembers Roseanne’s children’s classic “Rockin’ With Roseanne: Calling All Kids?” Netflix does, and it has the entire thing available instantly for your viewing displeasure. Oh, and lest you chalk this up to a flight of fancy forced upon her early in her career, I should mention that this happened THREE YEARS AGO, well after her stand-up career, her eponymous sitcom, and this notorious and apropos incident – which became quite the story….she even joked about it indirectly soon afterward on said sitcom (2:28). You would think she would never try and associate her name with singing again, but there you go. (also, what six-year-old today would have any idea who she is? I guess that’s the point, but it must be scary for parents to hear themselves saying “mommy’s busy now…..want to go watch your Roseanne video?” ughhh…..)

Anyway, I wanted to make it fetch, but I found the best part was actually the little preview screenshots that Netflix shows you as you scroll through the movie (since there’s no sound involved, and some of those Roseanne faces are SCARY) so I chose a little walk through rather than a single clip. And because we thought it might be a good idea, I expanded my use of my screen grabbing tool (which I’ve used previously to get these two clips) to include the audio feed of our actual reactions to what we are all watching – yes, you’ll hear our lovely clarion tones ring out, which depending on how well you know us might make you nostalgic or just terrified (we are two different people, trust me). It was fun….we’ll have to do it again sometime!!

So enjoy! Or rather, be VERY afraid!

(next time we’ll engineer the audio better so we’re not inaudible when the real sound is on)

UPDATE: In case you care to watch bits without our commentary, here are four clips from what I think is Roseanne’s actual youtube channel. Of these, Cowboy Sweetheart is probably the best.

…..Or Treat

December 28th, 2008

I just watched Trick for the first time in nine years. Well, pregnancy by watched I mean flipped through to the scenes that I remember from that first time I saw it, anesthetist which was on what turned out to be my first date ever. I recall few things about that day, treat or even the other guy (despite dating him for a month or so, I now cannot picture his face no matter how hard I try) which worries me as I ought to be able to remember these things and the only other dates I have been on are with my first, only, and current boyfriend….but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The truth is I expected to be appalled at how bad the movie is. It’s been my experience recently that certain things that brought me tremendous joy in childhood or my teenage years fail to arouse even nostalgic glimmers of happiness because now, with adult eyes, I see that they are in fact TERRIBLE. Certain phases I went through in high school spring to mind as being particularly embarrassing, (Pokémon, for example), and even some of my favorite CDs that I would listen to over and over I now cannot stand. (Bernstein’s Mozart Requiem – what is up with the fucking Lacrimosa?)

This turned out not to be the case at all, although it’s a strange feeling to watch it because in a way I am also watching myself nine years ago watching it. What’s even weirder and meta-er (whatever) is that all those years ago I was literally experiencing that same newness, longing, and anxiety that the movie’s protagonist was, which made for a very maudlin reaction I’m sure. (I can imagine the frantic arm-flailing that must have accompanied my re-telling of the story at the time)

All my memories aside though, it’s not as bad of a movie as I remember…plot-wise it’s pretty straightforward – boy meets boy, they try and hook up but end up having a night of misadventures instead. Gabriel, the protagonist, is a musician: a philosophical soul uninterested in the tecno-and-poppers gay lifestyle and its bear-/boarish ways. He is essentially a platonic form of innocence that is frighteningly easy to graft onto yourself if you’re not careful. (needless to say I was not) Tori Spelling as Gabe’s friend essentially plays herself (a ditzy, two-bit actress) and the slutty go-go dancing love interest, Mark, is quite the hottie. Let me rephrase that: he’s SMOKING hot. The roommate and her boyfriend comprise a forgettable subplot, boring in their heteronormativism, but there are two minor characters who essentially act like the muses in Classical myth: they impart their wisdom and then vanish. And it was these that I took more notice of this time.

The first is Gabriel’s teacher. We find out in an opening scene that Gabriel is writing a musical (which unfortunately means that one of his songs occurs throughout the movie like an annoyingly catchy leitmotif) but can’t quite figure out the love bits. His teacher encourages him to search the world for experience, to “grab life by the balls,” which he proceeds to do. Hence the story. Surprisingly, the teacher reappears later in the movie, and tells the pair about his relationship woes. It seems that despite his devil-may-care attitude, he is upset over his recent breakup. They’d been together three years, which is said in italics as though a plaque ought to have been made, and he thought it was over. When, however, they encounter him on the street, a blubbery and oddly touching reconciliation takes place, and witnessing it brings Gabe and Mark a little closer together. This wisened, though imperfect, figure shows Gabe what he wants to see – that romance and a real relationship can be difficult, but is certainly attainable.

Then there’s the drag queen. She encounters Gabe in a bathroom (mirroring another pivotal scene in a bathroom later on….as though all gay transactions happening in public bathrooms is a stereotype we need to reinforce!) and proceeds to describe to Gabe the other, more menacing side of the picture. It seems she, too, had taken a fancy to Mark, and in telling how they met describes pitch-perfectly the scene where Gabe encounters him for the first time. This is the first real evidence that Mark might really be what he seems: a flirt just looking for a quick score and nothing else. She then dramatically relates the whole of their encounter and, well, maybe I’ll just let her do the talking.

This scene was burned (no pun intended) into my memory for years, and still remains sharp even now. It is also probably the best acting in the movie – I dare someone to do it as a monologue.

She turns out, luckily, to be wrong about Mark, who appears by the end to be interested in more than a one-night stand – whether he changes as a result of the events of the movie is unclear, but it is comforting to think that he did, and that the young innocent with no knowledge in the ways of love converted him. While the budding romance of the film’s main characters is what caught my eye all those years ago, I find myself now thinking about these two older, experienced characters: the gaytriarchs, if you will. They both desire the same thing, but have approached it from different ways, and in the end the teacher appears happy while the drag queen is an object of laughable pity. We are led to understand that you reap what you sow, and if one seeks affection and romance without having it first one is ultimately burned. BURRRRRRRNED. (did you watch it? you should. at least start at 3:45. doesn’t she look and talk just a a little bit like Lucille Bluth? It’s funny because she had a brief cameo in Arrested Development as a wig shop owner….but I digress)

Rather than the young, naïve musician with whom I had so much in common nine years ago, I now find myself empathizing with these two – and thankfully, more to the teacher than the silly cuckholded drag queen. I find myself, like them, looking back on people like Gabe with a vague smile, as though they’re telling me a story I’ve already heard – I don’t cut them off, correct them, or finish it for them, but I let them tell it to me again so I can try and remember what it was like to hear it for the first time. I’m not looking forward to the inevitable conclusion with wonder like I was years ago, but hearing it again allows me to reflect on my own story and realize just how lucky I am. I would never have imagined nine years ago that I was only three years, three quasi-sexual encounters, two major crushes, two rejections, and only one graduation ceremony away from the day I found what true love is.

But back to Trick. Would I reccommend it? I think so….there’s a certain charm to it which is undeniable, and while not Oscar material it’s a good deal better than most “gay” movies I’ve seen. (All Over the Guy was also very good, if I remember correctly) Although the end is satisfying and the overall effect is uplifting, I wish there was a wedding or something at the end like in other romantic comedies, where you get a chance to see all the little characters and be assured that they’re just as happy as the now-hitched protagonists. I can just picture the teacher and his equally cubbish boyfriend, their matching sweaters a perfect reflection of their love. And the drag queen, snarkily demeaning someone’s attire at the reception, when lo and behold the bouquet lands in her manicured hands and she breaks into tears of joy and hope. Tori Spelling meets someone at the wedding who gives her the break she wanted, and the roommate is still off shagging her boring boyfriend, happily off-camera. It might just be this movie’s particular specificity in the story of my romantic development, but perhaps it really is a funny, gay, feel-good movie that can help you believe in love again. Or, if not love, than just the power of a nice set of pecs on the dance floor.

Come again?

December 20th, 2008

Can you tell I’m avoiding work? These have just been in Firefox tabs waiting for me to write about them.

Remember the cum cookbook? Well, pancreatitis here’s an interview with the author Fotie Pfotenhauer:

I slogged through it so you don’t have to, more about so here are some highlights:
- his real name is Paul Pfotenhauer, thumb but everyone calls him Fotie. I’m still not convinced it’s a pseudonym… sounds a little too phake.
- “I don’t remember the exact time [I first cooked with semen].” really??
- he recommends freezing semen to preserve flavor, good tip.
- he has a website that mostly compiles links from “prestigious” sources like Cosmo and this interview:
- the website there’s a second edition in the works “with better pictures and more refined layout!” let’s hope they also fix the spelling of “Shashimi”……
- he reiterated that he does not condone serving your guests semen without their knowledge
- the best joke made by the DJ so far was asking if there was a recipe for Moo Goo Gai Pan
- some black lady (another guest? a host? it sounds like she’s in another studio/on the phone) said she was “trying to get [her] head around the idea,” but completely unironically
- he thinks its romantic to share food with your semen with someone you love, like soup for example
- another question of its legitimacy for vegans; he claims it’s only OK if it’s your own semen, but surprisingly defends swallowing during intercourse “unless she won’t kiss you” because it’s TOTALLY the same.
- also, he seems like a TOTAL DOUCHE
- DJ: “recipe for ejaculatté?” nice.
- it’s an acquired taste, like fine wine and good cheese, and so not being into it “does not make you any less of a person”
- he seems to stick by his guns that cooking with semen is not sexual
- he has no recipes for female ejaculate. wait, what?
- oh, he IS gay! I wasn’t totally sure. score one against us, I guess…..
- he would not cook with a stranger’s semen.
- I don’t know who this black lady is, but she is having NONE of it
- he compares it to eating chicken menstruation
- the black lady doesn’t think eggs are “menestration.” also, she doesn’t eat runny eggs, does not approve of the sexual fetish of drinking breast milk and is offended when Fotie asked her if she had tasted her own breast milk
- he wouldn’t say how many copies he has sold, but he agrees that “there’s a lot of interest”
- one of the recipes does involve a live production of the ingredient when serving. let’s hope it’s not bananas foster…..
- the black lady’s name is “Dangerously” HOW CAN YOUR NAME BE AN ADVERB????/???//
- nevermind: it’s two words: Dangerous Lee. a minor improvement at best.

God, I hope this is my last post about this……

Paul, Paul, why do you persecute me?

December 20th, 2008

Remember this?

I did already post that, disease didn’t I? Back in the Betty White period of the blog?

Well anyway, health I hadn’t put two and two together until I saw this:

Paul Lynde introduced her because it was HIS FUCKING HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. The above synopsis/review and the accompanying plethora of pictures is good, but I want the whole thing on youtube right now. Don’t make me go to Netflix and make sure it isn’t on DVD!

Update: It’s in my queue, bichez!!

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    Things. People. Places. The movers and shakers that make it happen. Fetch, that is. What's Fetch? Maybe this will help explain. Dedicated to LQ and her fierceness.