…..Or Treat

December 28th, 2008

I just watched Trick for the first time in nine years. Well, pregnancy by watched I mean flipped through to the scenes that I remember from that first time I saw it, anesthetist which was on what turned out to be my first date ever. I recall few things about that day, treat or even the other guy (despite dating him for a month or so, I now cannot picture his face no matter how hard I try) which worries me as I ought to be able to remember these things and the only other dates I have been on are with my first, only, and current boyfriend….but I’m getting ahead of myself.

The truth is I expected to be appalled at how bad the movie is. It’s been my experience recently that certain things that brought me tremendous joy in childhood or my teenage years fail to arouse even nostalgic glimmers of happiness because now, with adult eyes, I see that they are in fact TERRIBLE. Certain phases I went through in high school spring to mind as being particularly embarrassing, (Pokémon, for example), and even some of my favorite CDs that I would listen to over and over I now cannot stand. (Bernstein’s Mozart Requiem – what is up with the fucking Lacrimosa?)

This turned out not to be the case at all, although it’s a strange feeling to watch it because in a way I am also watching myself nine years ago watching it. What’s even weirder and meta-er (whatever) is that all those years ago I was literally experiencing that same newness, longing, and anxiety that the movie’s protagonist was, which made for a very maudlin reaction I’m sure. (I can imagine the frantic arm-flailing that must have accompanied my re-telling of the story at the time)

All my memories aside though, it’s not as bad of a movie as I remember…plot-wise it’s pretty straightforward – boy meets boy, they try and hook up but end up having a night of misadventures instead. Gabriel, the protagonist, is a musician: a philosophical soul uninterested in the tecno-and-poppers gay lifestyle and its bear-/boarish ways. He is essentially a platonic form of innocence that is frighteningly easy to graft onto yourself if you’re not careful. (needless to say I was not) Tori Spelling as Gabe’s friend essentially plays herself (a ditzy, two-bit actress) and the slutty go-go dancing love interest, Mark, is quite the hottie. Let me rephrase that: he’s SMOKING hot. The roommate and her boyfriend comprise a forgettable subplot, boring in their heteronormativism, but there are two minor characters who essentially act like the muses in Classical myth: they impart their wisdom and then vanish. And it was these that I took more notice of this time.

The first is Gabriel’s teacher. We find out in an opening scene that Gabriel is writing a musical (which unfortunately means that one of his songs occurs throughout the movie like an annoyingly catchy leitmotif) but can’t quite figure out the love bits. His teacher encourages him to search the world for experience, to “grab life by the balls,” which he proceeds to do. Hence the story. Surprisingly, the teacher reappears later in the movie, and tells the pair about his relationship woes. It seems that despite his devil-may-care attitude, he is upset over his recent breakup. They’d been together three years, which is said in italics as though a plaque ought to have been made, and he thought it was over. When, however, they encounter him on the street, a blubbery and oddly touching reconciliation takes place, and witnessing it brings Gabe and Mark a little closer together. This wisened, though imperfect, figure shows Gabe what he wants to see – that romance and a real relationship can be difficult, but is certainly attainable.

Then there’s the drag queen. She encounters Gabe in a bathroom (mirroring another pivotal scene in a bathroom later on….as though all gay transactions happening in public bathrooms is a stereotype we need to reinforce!) and proceeds to describe to Gabe the other, more menacing side of the picture. It seems she, too, had taken a fancy to Mark, and in telling how they met describes pitch-perfectly the scene where Gabe encounters him for the first time. This is the first real evidence that Mark might really be what he seems: a flirt just looking for a quick score and nothing else. She then dramatically relates the whole of their encounter and, well, maybe I’ll just let her do the talking.

This scene was burned (no pun intended) into my memory for years, and still remains sharp even now. It is also probably the best acting in the movie – I dare someone to do it as a monologue.

She turns out, luckily, to be wrong about Mark, who appears by the end to be interested in more than a one-night stand – whether he changes as a result of the events of the movie is unclear, but it is comforting to think that he did, and that the young innocent with no knowledge in the ways of love converted him. While the budding romance of the film’s main characters is what caught my eye all those years ago, I find myself now thinking about these two older, experienced characters: the gaytriarchs, if you will. They both desire the same thing, but have approached it from different ways, and in the end the teacher appears happy while the drag queen is an object of laughable pity. We are led to understand that you reap what you sow, and if one seeks affection and romance without having it first one is ultimately burned. BURRRRRRRNED. (did you watch it? you should. at least start at 3:45. doesn’t she look and talk just a a little bit like Lucille Bluth? It’s funny because she had a brief cameo in Arrested Development as a wig shop owner….but I digress)

Rather than the young, naïve musician with whom I had so much in common nine years ago, I now find myself empathizing with these two – and thankfully, more to the teacher than the silly cuckholded drag queen. I find myself, like them, looking back on people like Gabe with a vague smile, as though they’re telling me a story I’ve already heard – I don’t cut them off, correct them, or finish it for them, but I let them tell it to me again so I can try and remember what it was like to hear it for the first time. I’m not looking forward to the inevitable conclusion with wonder like I was years ago, but hearing it again allows me to reflect on my own story and realize just how lucky I am. I would never have imagined nine years ago that I was only three years, three quasi-sexual encounters, two major crushes, two rejections, and only one graduation ceremony away from the day I found what true love is.

But back to Trick. Would I reccommend it? I think so….there’s a certain charm to it which is undeniable, and while not Oscar material it’s a good deal better than most “gay” movies I’ve seen. (All Over the Guy was also very good, if I remember correctly) Although the end is satisfying and the overall effect is uplifting, I wish there was a wedding or something at the end like in other romantic comedies, where you get a chance to see all the little characters and be assured that they’re just as happy as the now-hitched protagonists. I can just picture the teacher and his equally cubbish boyfriend, their matching sweaters a perfect reflection of their love. And the drag queen, snarkily demeaning someone’s attire at the reception, when lo and behold the bouquet lands in her manicured hands and she breaks into tears of joy and hope. Tori Spelling meets someone at the wedding who gives her the break she wanted, and the roommate is still off shagging her boring boyfriend, happily off-camera. It might just be this movie’s particular specificity in the story of my romantic development, but perhaps it really is a funny, gay, feel-good movie that can help you believe in love again. Or, if not love, than just the power of a nice set of pecs on the dance floor.

Come again?

December 20th, 2008

Can you tell I’m avoiding work? These have just been in Firefox tabs waiting for me to write about them.

Remember the cum cookbook? Well, pancreatitis here’s an interview with the author Fotie Pfotenhauer:

http://www.drblogstein.com/2008/11/fotie-photenhauer-kelli-dunham-interview.html

I slogged through it so you don’t have to, more about so here are some highlights:
- his real name is Paul Pfotenhauer, thumb but everyone calls him Fotie. I’m still not convinced it’s a pseudonym…..it sounds a little too phake.
- “I don’t remember the exact time [I first cooked with semen].” really??
- he recommends freezing semen to preserve flavor, good tip.
- he has a website that mostly compiles links from “prestigious” sources like Cosmo and this interview: http://cookingwithcum.com/
- the website there’s a second edition in the works “with better pictures and more refined layout!” let’s hope they also fix the spelling of “Shashimi”……
- he reiterated that he does not condone serving your guests semen without their knowledge
- the best joke made by the DJ so far was asking if there was a recipe for Moo Goo Gai Pan
- some black lady (another guest? a host? it sounds like she’s in another studio/on the phone) said she was “trying to get [her] head around the idea,” but completely unironically
- he thinks its romantic to share food with your semen with someone you love, like soup for example
- another question of its legitimacy for vegans; he claims it’s only OK if it’s your own semen, but surprisingly defends swallowing during intercourse “unless she won’t kiss you” because it’s TOTALLY the same.
- also, he seems like a TOTAL DOUCHE
- DJ: “recipe for ejaculatté?” nice.
- it’s an acquired taste, like fine wine and good cheese, and so not being into it “does not make you any less of a person”
- he seems to stick by his guns that cooking with semen is not sexual
- he has no recipes for female ejaculate. wait, what?
- oh, he IS gay! I wasn’t totally sure. score one against us, I guess…..
- he would not cook with a stranger’s semen.
- I don’t know who this black lady is, but she is having NONE of it
- he compares it to eating chicken menstruation
- the black lady doesn’t think eggs are “menestration.” also, she doesn’t eat runny eggs, does not approve of the sexual fetish of drinking breast milk and is offended when Fotie asked her if she had tasted her own breast milk
- he wouldn’t say how many copies he has sold, but he agrees that “there’s a lot of interest”
- one of the recipes does involve a live production of the ingredient when serving. let’s hope it’s not bananas foster…..
- the black lady’s name is “Dangerously” HOW CAN YOUR NAME BE AN ADVERB????/???//
- nevermind: it’s two words: Dangerous Lee. a minor improvement at best.

God, I hope this is my last post about this……

Paul, Paul, why do you persecute me?

December 20th, 2008

Remember this?

I did already post that, disease didn’t I? Back in the Betty White period of the blog?

Well anyway, health I hadn’t put two and two together until I saw this:

http://projectabsurd.byethost6.com/paullynde.htm

Paul Lynde introduced her because it was HIS FUCKING HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. The above synopsis/review and the accompanying plethora of pictures is good, but I want the whole thing on youtube right now. Don’t make me go to Netflix and make sure it isn’t on DVD!

Update: It’s in my queue, bichez!!

I’d rather hear her mother sing any day

December 20th, 2008

Wow

I am issuing a ban on growth

December 18th, 2008

A Gro-Ban, phthisiatrician if you will. A JOSH Groban.

As some of you might know, drugs I went to a perfoming arts high school, and as one of my only party tricks I like to casually throw out that Josh Groban went to the same school. (it’s better than mentioning Jenna Elfman or Corbin Bleu, both of whom went to LACHSA but not when I was there)

In truth this is practically irrelevant: he was a senior when I was a freshman, and I think the only time I ever spoke with him was when I chose my classes, as he was a TA for the guidance counselor. I’m not even sure I can say he was the most popular guy in school, because I was not even popular enough to know who was popular.

Anyway, I recently told this to a friend of mine who’s a big Groban fan, and so to impress her even more (and prove that I was telling the truth) I scanned all the pictures of him I could find in my freshman yearbook. I was about to delete them, but I thought I might as well throw ‘em up here first in case I need them again…..

grobansenior

Here’s his senior photo – sadly he did not provide a quote. Perhaps it would have read “my sultry voice and classical/pop stylings will make me richer than all you bitches combined.” Also, notice he was a theatre major! NOT a boorish, bourgeoisie theatER major……

grobanprin

From the Musical Theatre page, here’s Josh standing tall in back. They did Fiddler that year, and he was Tevye (of course!)

grobancap

I really have absolutely no idea what this is. It has no context in the yearbook, was probably from some show, but it’s just hilarious.

Back to doing laundry, dishes, and other decidedly un-fetch things. When is Christmas going to be over, again?

One Boch-ed Up TV Show

December 14th, 2008

(it’ll make sense…..unfortunately)

It’s part of our nature as human beings to find patterns and relationships in everything we see, for sale and this can manifest in imagining what would happen if two normally disparate things combined: like a car that can fly or your high school English teacher having kids with the math teacher (not that one, meningitis the other one….yup). Why, order just the other day I had a hamburger with peanut butter, fried bananas, and bacon on it, proving that cuisine still owes much to this principle. Without it Family Guy would be a 3-minute weekly short about dog grooming and the world would never have experienced the glory of the beloved “That’s What She Said” gag.

These conflations are not always pleasing or amusing – think of pickles and ice cream or all those crass jokes about dead babies and microwave ovens (I mean, really, microwaves have been around long enough that I think we can stop slandering them so….), but I never imagined that such an awkward and vomit-inducing combination as what I found just before Thanksgiving existed not only in people’s minds, but on television for all to see.

I submit into evidence this short clip. At first glance it’s not really a big deal….I mean, sure, the song is weird, the whole thing reeks of the early 90′s, and I’m not sure what they mean by network TV “getting it right” but stick with it through the end and then pause to think about it.

Yes, this is more than just some random clip that’s funny because it’s out of context. No, no, no, my friends, this is but the trailer for an extremely short-lived TV show called “Cop Rock,” the unholy union of the cop drama and the rock musical.

You read it right. This is NYPD Blue meets Jesus Christ Superstar. Here is possibly my favorite clip, in which the idea is taken to its logical extreme: a gospel choir jury.

I’m still not entirely certain how tongue-in-cheek it all was, but considering that in the last episode the not only bid the audience farewell by breaking the fourth wall, but they dance a jig on the rubble and an actual fat lady sings….it’s amazing.

And may I point out that the connection to NYPD Blue is apt-er than you might thought: they were both created by Steven Bochco (hence my geniusly witty post title), who was also responsible for LA Law and Hill Street Blues if I’m not mistaken…..

To close, here are my other favorites: Don’t mess with my pursuit of happiness, Baby merchant, and Let’s be careful out there.

Oh, and here’s that fat lady, btw:

Kaiserslautern fucking machines

December 13th, 2008

is an actual search term someone used on google to find this site. Thank god for bots!

Problem solved

December 12th, 2008

Problem: how do I sum up those nagging concerns we all have about life and its direction, store but only using very cute things that make me happy while they remind my of a universal life truth?

noun 0, tadalafil 40,0″>

Yes, that would be the way.

Listen, if I weren’t simultaneously slacking off from about four major responsibilities I would have posted again by now…..so sorry for the long leave of absence. It’s not you, it’s me…..and if it makes you feel any better the elliptical machine down at the fitness center is feeling the same withdrawl pains as this blog……

(Cute Overload)

Spammers be gone!

December 8th, 2008

I command you!

Yes, order friends. Spam, help that horrible festering monstrosity that trolls the internet like it was a yuletide carol wreaking havoc and sucking down bandwidth has discovered Fetch. Apparently no-one is safe.

I’m referring to the galling number of spam comments this post is getting for whatever reason….they just love the glorious meta of youtube being danced on youtube I guess…..anyway, medications if it keeps up I’ll have to put a CAPTCHA on the comment section, so all of you that have commented will have to decipher a meaningless string of characters to share your wisdom.

In fact, let’s show those spammers what for! You three readers that come even when I don’t bring in the facebook legions, comment away!

p.s. in a bit of good news, Groban is still up!

This is SOO SADDDDDDD

December 3rd, 2008

Hello again!

Thanksgiving’s come and gone, story and I’m still trying to catch up with all the work I have to do. I have a great post on deck, cystitis but in the meantime I wanted to share this because it’s SO SADDD. Don’t get me wrong, viagra sale it’s actually hilarious, but….you’ll see!


http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c0cf508ff8/prop-8-the-musical-starring-jack-black-john-c-reilly-and-many-more-from-fod-team-jack-black-craig-robinson-john-c-reilly-and-rashida-jones

I was expecting a reaction from the election results, but no, this was made before the election, presumably to make a point (which it does rather well) and get people excited about it. Or rather, excited about not supporting it. Also, I’m flabbergasted at how many people were in it. (but couldn’t Margaret Cho have ONE LINE???)

Anyway, I have to do a bunch of work, but before my concert tomorrow I’ll be sure and post the thing I’ve been sitting on all break!! :)

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    Things. People. Places. The movers and shakers that make it happen. Fetch, that is. What's Fetch? Maybe this will help explain. Dedicated to LQ and her fierceness.